Daremaster Spoodle's Blog!

GREAT TV show pitch I've got, you guys.

2011-08-28T04:46:00.002-04:00

Let's have an awards show for music videos on a channel that hasn't played music videos regularly for about a ten-year timespan, and that's also been culturally irrelevant for at least twice that long.

Oh, wait.

Trash Humpers: Trash or Art?

2011-04-30T22:16:00.002-04:00

A little while back a friend who owns a local bookstore here in Massillon told me about Harmony Korine's new movie, called "Trash Humpers". Out of morbid curiosity I decided to order both the DVD and the really twisted Golden Books-style storybook that is based on the film, also created by Korine.

In a nutshell, the plot of "Trash Humpers" is this - four elderly degenerates (one played by, again, Korine himself, who also does most of the filming) prowl the streets, alleys, and run-down neighborhoods of an unnamed city. The mayhem they cause is filmed entirely from their point of view on a VHS camcorder, as the group of octogenarians vandalize and destroy personal property. They also stay true to the film's title by spending quite a bit of screen time humping trash cans, trees, telephone poles, and other inanimate objects.

For those asking why I would watch a movie like this, I was wondering if "Trash Humpers" was trash or art, and I wanted to find this out for myself.

Imagine a group of fifteen year old kids getting a hold of their parent's camcorder and just running wild (my own father can relate, heh heh heh!). This is pretty much the first ten minutes or so of "Trash Humpers" - a lot of cursing, vandalism, voyeurism, tomfoolery, and yes, trash humping. But then the Trash Humpers start to meet local denizens of the town, leaving their mark wherever they go. The film starts to really change from here, and viewers quickly realize there is more going to be had with "Trash Humpers" than "Jackass"-style antics.

Early example - the group forces two men conjoined at the head to make them pancakes. After pouring dishsoap over the breakfast treat instead of syrup, they again use coercion to force the two to begin eating the meal that was intended for the Trash Humpers. Things get more disturbing from here as the film goes along. Eventually murder and the discovery of another body in a shallow marsh come into play, among other things.

The whole time this is going on, the group runs into very few people. Dialogue is sparse at best. Police or authority figures are absolutely nowhere to be found to stop or even confront these people. At one point, two of the Trash Humpers break flourescent light bulbs and then tap dance on the broken glass, a car alarm blaring in the background (also caused by them?). The environments where they wreak havoc are a lot like the people they meet in the film: poor, destitute, ignored, isolated, and merely eking out an existence in the moment with no real future.

Despite the seemingly random moments and the commentary from the filmer "Herve" later on in the movie stating how much they refuse to follow the rules of society, the Trash Humpers seem to follow their own rules and rituals, making their actions all the more chilling. I won't give too much away, but whenever a lullaby is sung, or when the elderly group listens to a certain child's toy sing, trouble is never too far away. When these musical cues occur viewers should pay attention. Also, I've noticed that certain scenes are filmed in a circle or a semicircle, bringing further focus to the Trash Humpers and their twisted actions. Is this also intentional?

Despite the disturbing moments of the film (and there are plenty) there are also some scenes and moments that are hilarious and worth watching. I'm surprised that the line, "Make it! Make it! Make it! Don't fake it! Make it! Make it!" (repeated many times in the film and very funny each and every time) didn't become a huge internet meme. Also, Herve's high-pitched wailing laugh just gets to me every time I hear it, for some reason. Some moments are also so outrageous you can't help but to laugh; one of the old men, when drenched in blood, is told, "You've got a little blood on your lip!"

But is the movie trash or art? Did I like it? I can answer "I don't have a freaking clue" and "yes" to these questions. I'm with this fellow reviewer on YouTube when I say that despite being a bunch of jumbled footage put together, "Trash Humpers" just feels like a complete film and is worth multiple views. Especially in the final 10-15 minutes, there are moments of beauty to be discovered in my opinion, albeit very dark and hard to find.

When you watch "Trash Humpers", you're watching an uncensored view of the dark underbelly of both small town America and humanity itself. The film takes you to places where you don't want to go and shows you things you may not want to see (not unlike Grimm's Fairy Tales of the distant past). Just to give you a fair caveat.

The difference between a movie fan and a film buff

2011-03-29T19:26:00.002-04:00

There's an easy way to tell. Movie fans will say that they like certain flicks, will say, "oh, I remember that one!" at parties and such, and leave it at that. Film buffs can answer technical and difficult questions about movies before you can snap your fingers, and that's one way you can tell them apart from your average movie fan. If you're not sure, just go up and ask. Try a pop quiz and see if you get rapid-fire answers like the ones I provide. Who are your three favorite directors? (Hitchcock, Kubrick, Kurosawa) What's your favorite live-action Disney movie? (The Rocketeer, no question) Favorite movie score? (The Warriors, Barry de Vorzon) What's the greatest Western of all time? (The Searchers) Be forewarned film buffs will sometimes provide answers that are not only to the point but obsessive; disagree at your own peril. For example: Thoughts on Darren Aronofsky? (Harvard film school hack, FUCK HIM.) The best movie Dracula? (Christopher Lee, and if you say otherwise I will punch you DIRECTLY IN THE FACE.)

Defending Peckinpah

2011-02-24T09:41:00.003-05:00

Lately I've been watching Bring Me the Head of Alfredo Garcia over and over again ("Why? Because it feels so goddamn good!"), which is becoming one of my favorite films. I won't get into the entire synopsis here. Long story short, Benny (Warren Oates), a washed-up bar owner, takes a poor soul's severed head across Mexico to a mob boss for a cool million, getting many people killed along the way. One of these unfortunate victims is Benny's prostitute girlfriend, who is buried alive in a shallow grave and left to suffocate.

Some people accuse Sam Peckinpah (Garcia's writer/director) of being a misogynist, like Travis, my co-worker and fellow movie buff when we discussed him the other day (we've got to co-ordinate a day off so we can podcast a movie discussion!). With some deliberation, I disagree.

First, you've got to consider the cruel, brutal, and unforgiving environments that Peckinpah crafts in his films. In a short scene from The Wild Bunch, for instance, even children torture insects for amusement as a group of bank robbers look on. In Straw Dogs, the first victim killed is the family cat, left dangling by its neck on a light cord for a nonplussed Dustin Hoffman to find. In Peckinpah's movie world, it's a nasty, shitty, dark, depressing place. Not even lowly creatures are safe from harm.

Sure, there are victims of the female variety here, but they are anything but typical or damsels in distress, for the most part. In Garcia, Benny hesitates to shoot crime lord "El Jefe" but finally relents when he is pressed, almost manipulated even, into blasting him by the head honcho's teenage daughter. Does Benny see in the girl the life he could have had with his lost love? Can he see plain as day the girl's life of abuse with her father? Both are possible and open for discussion, in my view. In The Getaway, Sally Struthers hooks up with the hardened criminal that takes both her and her vet husband hostage. In the same movie, Ali MacGraw's character gives her body to a corrupt businessman to release partner-in-crime Steve McQueen from a Texas prison. She then later on shoots that same tycoon in the back when all bets are off.

All characters in Peckinpah's films, women included, have to adapt to the cruel world they are in to survive. Some slip into their own little worlds. Some fight back (literally, women are just as capable with firearms as their male counterparts in some cases). Some grow thick skins, decide this is just the way the world is, and decide to trudge forward the best that they can.

"I've been down this road before," Benny's prostitute girlfriend in Garcia calmly and stoically says when they are held up by bikers, who threaten her with rape. "And you don't know the way."

As a filmmaker, was Peckinpah a misanthrope? Definitely, in my view. But a misogynist? That's a tough pill for me to swallow. And movie buffs are going to go "down this road" whenever Peckinpah is discussed. One thing is for certain though - the fact that people still talk about Sam Peckinpah only serves as a testament to the director's mastery. Or notoriety, whichever you prefer.

Inanimate objects as secondary movie characters

2011-02-19T15:33:00.002-05:00

Been a while! I guess I have to espouse some random movie musings after over a month-long hiatus.

I've got to say I really enjoy watching movies, even if the movie really isn't that good, involving stories making inanimate objects secondary characters in a film. Even if the object in question just sits there and doesn't talk, as most random objects don't, they can move along a story, add key plot elements, or be just as important as one of the paid actors, if you have a filmmaker(s) that knows what they are doing. Cases in point...

Winchester '73, Mystic River, Running Scared , and Stray Dog all involve the use of a certain firearm as a plot device, with characters making a mad dash for the prized shooter. "Winchester" involves the titular rifle stolen from James Stewart after a marksmanship contest, "Mystic River" involves a gun used in a robbery/prank gone awry, with lawmen and outlaws alike looking for the pistol, and "Scared" involves the same two groups of people looking for a beautiful pearl-handled .38 revolver. "Stray Dog", as is my opinion with ANY Kurosawa film, is the best in this category, spinning the yarn of a rookie detective hot on the lookout for his pickpocketed handgun, which is then used in several robberies and a murder.

Runners-up in the "gun" category include Disturbing Behavior, where a Government .45, although not necessarily a true plot device, trades hands among several key characters throughout the film. I also note The Dark Knight, where Batman takes Two-Face's gun into his possession, thereby implicating himself in the the latter's vigilante murders and giving Gotham City their "true hero" in the form of Harvey Dent. Oh yeah, U.S. Marshals uses a certain gun in a twist ending as well.

In the organic matter category we've got Return of the Living Dead, where the poison gas Trioxin turns corpses into the walking, or should I say running and screaming (!), dead. Although not the greatest zombie movie ever made, in my opinion, writer/director Dan O'Bannon had the foresight to make the Trioxin gas a character all in its own. Upon being released from the containers, we follow the gas' path through pipes, ventilation systems, a morgue, and finally a cremation chamber, where the gas turns into toxic rain and falls over a graveyard. You can guess what happens next.

WALL-E also has a plant as a plot device. Our three-foot-tall trash compacting hero lives a solitary and boring life until he finds a sprout which he puts in an army boot to take care of, setting in motion a pretty wild adventure for the little guy and his precious cargo.

Confirmed "Curse of Frankenstein" dates!

2011-01-17T21:31:00.002-05:00

October 21st, 22nd, and 23rd at the Lincoln Theatre. I'm going to pay for the sponsorship (which covers the licensing fee the Lincoln has to pay) and once I put in some vacation time on those days it's official. There may be something special planned on one of those days before or after "Frankenstein", if I can pull it off (I'm shooting for Saturday night, right after the movie). More to come on that soon.

Same as last year, I encourage costumes and masks. There's also gonna be prize giveaways again. And of course I'll have my display of Hammer-related books and memoribilia up for people to check out.

So go crazy, horror fans! Bring your friends. Only three bucks for admission.

Junk Money 101

2011-01-01T04:36:00.002-05:00

My mother's been in banking for well over two decades. If you ask my dear Mom what gives her and her co-workers grief on the teller lines among the list of pet peeves will come the term "junk money".

What is junk money? Two dollar bills, Susan B. Anthony coins, the new Lincoln dollar coin, Kennedy half-dollars, and any other odd currency that enters circulation and then seems to disappear. For my mom and her colleagues, this so-called "junk money" is vilified because it's a pain in the ass to count and keep track of, most armored truck services won't take it (unless you have a certain amount of a denomination), and it generally just devalues the hell out of our currency.

(Photo: I forget what this woman's name is but THE BANKS ARE SICK OF THESE COINS AND THE PEOPLE THAT CASH THEM IN.)

Most of you have heard of the term "junk drawer". Well, this is where the phrase came from. At most banks and credit unions there are literally junk drawers that sit out on the teller line full of bullshit money that no one wants. It's kept track of in their systems, but most of the time (unless, again, it's in a certain amount of the denominations) it can't be vaulted and subsequently taken away by the armored truck carriers. And it just sits there. For a very, very, long time.

So why do I ask for small amounts of junk money when I make a withdrawal at the bank? So I can get rid of it once and for all. When I go to the BMV and pay for my plate renewal, or I'm on the turnpike and pass through a tollbooth, or, God forbid, I ever have to pay a small fine at the courthouse (been lucky so far), I'm going to do it in junk money.

That way all the CRAP money that's collected via revenue eventually ends up in a place where it never sees the light of of day again - the State Treasurer's Office or the fucking Federal Reserve.

One more caveat about junk money: businesses don't want it either. If you're at a restaurant and your server takes your bill, then brings you back change in junk money, it's their way of telling you they don't want you back, either. It means you didn't tip the last time you were there or you were just plain rude. And it also means they probably spit in your food too.

A "penny for your thoughts" for the New Year. Have a good one everybody. Make it one of your resolutions to treat your bank tellers right by generally being a polite customer, but by also keeping your junk money at home.

Movie Transformations Mid-Show, Part One

2010-12-21T10:53:00.000-05:00

Personally, I like to watch "The Warriors" once in a while. It's not the greatest movie in my opinion, but it does have something I really like to see in movie-watching, which is a scene that turns everything completely around in terms of mood, pacing, and story structure. Such is the case here. Warriors vs. Baseball Furies!

"The Warriors" in my opinion starts off as a pretty typical cheesy, tongue-in-cheek, run of the mill gang fight movie. The environment and cinematography is extremely dark (up until the movie's very end "Warriors" takes place entirely at night), but the mood of our titled heroes keeps things somewhat funny and light through comic relief and witty dialogue. When the Warriors flee from a motorhead gang, the Turnbull A.C.'s, they laugh and joke about it afterwards from the safety of a subway car. The mood is jovial. They're headed home to Coney Island. There's still hope for the group.

But then the group gets seperated. A police chase ends with one of the Warriors thrown in front of an oncoming subway train. And the viewer doesn't even have time to reel or react to the sudden death when they're introduced to the Baseball Furies.

The great musical score starts, and the Warriors realize there's no reasoning with these painted thugs, who merely brandish their baseball bats and grin at their targets. The outnumbered former gang quickly carries out the only plan they've got - run like motherfuckers. It's at this point the movie takes a much more menacing turn and not only becomes a story of fighting and running but of merely survival for "The Warriors".

Even the normally brazen, brutish Ajax (classic performance by James Remar) has a moment of panic when he huffs to the others, "Did we lose these fucking clowns, or what?!?!?"

The Warriors/Baseball Furies scene clearly demonstrates how film-makers can transform a project from one type of a movie to another with the right editing, music, and pacing. The Furies, relentless, running in near-perfect formation, start to quickly catch up to the winded Cowboy and Ajax, who can't carry on much longer...the ambient music pumping in sync to the plodding of sneaker-clad feet, some pairs with owners running for their lives...

Just check the scene out, and see if your heart doesn't pump as fast as mine did when I first saw it.

Credit to this YouTube user for the original video, it's not mine. Give him my regards and thank him for the post...
http://www.youtube.com/user/socomdog

Dear Seth Goldman...

2010-11-27T21:29:00.002-05:00

I would sooner swill my own piss than drink anything from your Honest Tea line again. I thought I was supposed to be having peach-flavored white tea. I didn't taste peaches and I didn't taste white tea.

Rectify this problem immediately.

The Enigma of Amigara Fault

2010-11-26T11:04:00.002-05:00

In a previous post I mentioned Junji Ito's "The Enigma of Amigara Fault" when I was giving my thoughts on "Picnic at Hanging Rock". Someone put up a link to the entire graphic story here. Enjoy. If you don't find it at all scary something's wrong with you.

Nicolas Cage Losing His Shit

2010-11-26T10:51:00.000-05:00

This video proves only one thing - somewhere, out there, Nicolas Cage is wearing a bear suit and beating the crap out of random people. Made by the very talented Harry Hanrahan.

The terror of being lost ... and found.

2010-10-15T10:18:00.002-04:00

Watched Peter Weir's "Picnic at Hanging Rock" this morning. Based on the novel of the same name, it's about a group of schoolgirls in Australia that go on a Valentine's Day picnic on the base of a mountain. Several break away from the rest of the group to explore, and don't return. It's a very tame movie without a single curse word or drop of blood, but extremely creepy and unsettling.

Things only get worse at the aftermath of the girls' disappearance. The school's headmistress takes to drink and becomes abusive. Another young student is inexplicably found tied to a post. A young man, an aspiring mountaineer, ventures into up Hanging Rock to search for the girls on his own. He re-emerges in a catatonic state, a torn piece of dress found in his hand.

But I find that sometimes it can be WORSE to be found again instead of lost forever. Take for instance "The Enigma of Amigara Fault" by Junji Ito (he also created the "Uzumaki" mangas). In that tale, people venture into human-shaped crevasses in the side of a mountain, found after a large earthquake, and also go missing. Several months later, smaller, more deformed cracks are found on the opposite side of the crag. And SOMETHING is seen beginning to slither out when flashlights are shined in the cracks...

A BIG THANK YOU

2010-10-11T09:18:00.002-04:00

To everyone that showed up at "Horror of Dracula" this weekend. The attendance this weekend, even on Friday competing with Massillon's football game, far exceeded my wildest expectations. I have a few pics which I'll be linking to soon. I just got off of work and I just have enough energy to type this paragraph, get a shower, and get my happy ass to bed.

Tackling the "Urban Jungle"

2010-09-25T01:18:00.000-04:00

Looks hokey as hell, but also looks fun to watch. If anything, it'll give me something to think about in case Massillon ever looks like this. Well, some parts already do. Hm...

2010-09-12T16:57:00.003-04:00

1914-2010

Busy Weekend

2010-09-05T22:14:00.002-04:00

Saw "Machete" on Saturday, ate at my favorite diner, and then got violently ill. I don't think from what I ate, but I think there's a 24-hour bug going around. Mom got sick too this weekend.

I quickly absconded from my favorite movie store to be sick at home, something I thought would be better left out of my Facebook and Twitter postings. Anyhow, I just convalesced the best I could and slept in this afternoon. I'm now feeling close to 100%, watching "Apocalpyse Now". After reading "Hollywood Hellraisers" I was in the mood to see this movie in action again.

I re-cleaned my bathroom and changed my sheets for good measure to keep further "cooties" away. Not the best note to update the old blog on, but hell, it's something.

Adventures in Retail

2010-08-26T16:39:00.002-04:00

I consider myself to be somewhat of an easygoing, if not taciturn sort of guy. Sure, I have a list of things I like and don't like, but I don't think I have a huge list of pet peeves. There's not too many quirks that upset me at the drop of a hat. Well, I ran into two major (among the very few) pet peeves I have, both involving retailers today.

First, with a rare exception of if I know the clerk and frequent the shop (which is the case at Record Exchange or Backlist Books here in Massillon), DON'T give me your opinion on a movie, CD, or other merchandise when I step up to the counter with my purchase. Saying, "this movie isn't very good" kind of puts me in a foul mood. Did you go to film school? Do you study books on cinematography? Is your name Roger Ebert? NO, Mr. or Ms. Know-It-All clerk. So keep your opinions and impromptu movie reviews to yourself.

Secondly, I refuse to use self-checkouts at chain stores. Some small items are too light to register a weight in the "bagging area" where you're supposed to put rung-up merchandise, which causes a huge headache. Secondly, I already have full-time employment at a factory. Ringing up merchandise is not my second part-time job! And I'll be a son of a bitch before I'm told to step over to a self-checkout to do someone else's job and help save a company money and their bottom line. Bullshit.

In both instances I spoke up. I'm going to stick up for myself and my sensibilities. There's some things in this world I think are just wrong. If people think I'm an asshole as a result, they just need to get over themselves. AND they just need to shut up and ring out my purchases.

Let There Be Light, from a flashlight aficianado that knows.

2010-08-19T17:04:00.003-04:00

Just some random thoughts on flashlights here, because there was a wide-spread power outage caused by a power pole being hit this morning. It was kind of weird to see Belden Village Mall in the dark with no working lights.

The Mag-Lite XL100 is easy to use and is powerful for a little AAA battery model. Nice and bright too. But the only thing that I have a real problem with is the tail cap activating when kept in a pocket. Several times I've taken it out to use it, only to have - surprise, surprise - the light be almost dead. So I would keep the tailcap unscrewed a part of the way when keeping in a pocket to rectify this problem.

The AA model Victorinox/Inova mash-up is the best handheld flashlight you can own in my opinion, bar none. My first model of this lasted almost five years and was dropped, smashed, thrown in frustration, went through the washer and dryer, and took countless other abuses I can't remember. A set of batteries lasts forever and the light spill is bright as hell. These are sold at the sporting goods section at Target, usually packaged with a handy Swiss Army Knife. Don't wait. Run out and buy one or two right now.

The LED version of the Pelican MityLite I have is also great, and I'm happy when I found this one collecting dust at a garage sale. Runs on 4 AA's and the sucker is bright and lasts forever.

The Inova X1 was great, but they don't make them like they used to anymore. The single-cell AA flashlight used to have a focused "spotlight" beam that was handy for looking down a pipe or at the end of a dark alleyway, for example. Now they've gone back to a regular wide beam. Just pick your preference here.

I usually eschew flashlights such as Surefires which typically run on CR123 batteries. Even with me being steadily employed Surefires are outside of my budget and the CR123's are less common (and also more expensive) than your widely-found AA or AAA batteries. Plus the nice thing is that with a more common battery, you can take the drycells out of electronics you don't need (a CD player for instance) and put them into your flashlight in an emergency.

Just some thoughts for now. Long story short it's not a good idea to go into a blacked-out mall without some form of being able to see what's in front of you.

Classic Lovecraft right here.

2010-08-18T20:43:00.000-04:00

Why I abstain from alcohol.

2010-08-08T22:13:00.002-04:00

I was at a friend's get-together, where we watched Back to the Future on an outdoor projector while he had a nice BBQ set up. Another friend of ours brought some wine and I thought I might try two glasses of it. Well it gave me a stomachache and set my guts on fire later on, despite running on a full stomach. I had to take some Tums and some Motrin before turning in.

And I had some dreams that were not good. The first was me in the winter in the K-Mart parking lot in Massillon. I was driving a car that wasn't mine and skidding out of control on the slick ice. I finally got the car under control, thankfully, without hitting anything or anybody.

My second dream was that I was attacked by a group of people, and somehow I managed to wrestle a shotgun from one of my attackers. I missed my first few volley of shots, but my enemies took off running when I opened fire to defend myself. I turned to find, just in time, one of my attackers, a WOMAN, no less, trying to sneak up on me with a switchblade knife. So I had to blast her. In my dream I shot her twice but instead of all the sick blood and viscera you could imagine with a weapon like that, money came out of the wounds instead after she went down.

Coins, to be more precise. She was hollow on the inside, like a pinata. By this time I was out of shells so I used the butt of the gun as a club and hit her in the head for good measure.

Her head split open like it was a plaster mold. It was full of Susan B. Anthony dollars.

I don't give a rat's ass if the wine is a good year and it's from the Napa Valley. I'm never drinking it again. The shit my body had to put up with to digest it just isn't worth it.

Lovecraft 101, and my thoughts.

2010-07-30T20:33:00.003-04:00

For those of you who don't know who the author H.P. Lovecraft is, or for those of you that have heard of him but haven't read any of his stories, his theme of horror fiction goes something like this:

A long-ass time ago powerful aliens came from the stars and landed on planet Earth while it was still uninhabited. The aliens, or "elder beings", as they are known in Lovecraft lore, basically took out a huge ancient chemistry set and started to screw around. The entire human race is one of the results of their many botched experiments. The "elder beings", while not inherently evil, simply look upon us as we would look down on ants or swat at flies. Should you run into one of the "elder beings", or their minions, you die. Very, very, very, slowly and painfully. If you're one of the fortunate(?) few to survive, and you haven't gone completely insane from your trauma, your sworn testimony becomes a Lovecraft story.

And that about sums up Lovecraft and the whole Cthulhu/Elder Beings mythos. That's it. But BEFORE getting to the whole laying slaughter to humans thing, about every Lovecraft story kicks off with a group of egghead, poindexter academics sitting around in a study and discussing stuff they find. And then they do something stupid, like going to an archeological dig where some elder beings used to live. Only THEN, past the three-quarters mark of the story, do things really begin to kick off. Boooor-ing.

So when I was invited to sit in and maybe speak at a H.P. Lovecraft discussion group next month, your fearless leader was obviously not too excited. As influential and brilliant as Lovecraft was, I kind of like my horror and science fiction to kick off with more of a bang. So there's a lot of Lovecraft-style horror out there I'll maybe suggest to the group.

Like the Dead Space video game, for starters. Why not just read a story when you can be a part of it? Deep space explorers find an ancient monolith that summons monsters in the vein of the Elder Beings. Good, scary, times.

For those that aren't gamers like myself, the Uzumaki series of horror manga by Junji Ito hits the spot. A small coastal village in Japan starts to unravel when the town inhabitants become obsessed with everything in the shape of a spiral. In Lovecraft mythos, symbols, should they be spirals or some other random hieroglyph, are key to story advancement. Protagonists realize, often too late, their significance.

SIGH - so you still want some REAL Lovecraft mythos? FINE. Robert Bloch (who wrote "Psycho") did some Lovecraft Mythos stories, namely "Notebook Found in a Deserted House". And Karl Edward Wagner wrote "Sticks", which is one of the very best horror short stories ever committed to paper bar none.

Speaking of freak outs, hi Dad! YES, I did watch the old home videos you handed down to me. I must say I threw some temper tantrums as a toddler that maybe would have impressed some Elder Beings. Ha ha ha!

Well this is a nice surprise!

2010-07-26T16:13:00.002-04:00

I was out yesterday and I found yet ANOTHER collection of Hammer films in a small box set that the employees at Best Buy didn't acknowledge they had: Hammer Films - The Icons of Suspense Collection.

No vamps, mummies, or ressurected monsters to be found here. On top of these ghastly movie subjects, Hammer studios also excelled at making great suspense thrillers, two of which are some of my favorites from the studio and are in the set.

The first is These Are the Damned, a strange little black and white gem. The movie starts as your typical motorcycle gang fare, with thug leader King (master scowler Oliver Reed, who also played The Wolfman for Hammer Studios) using his young sister, Joan, as bait to attract mugging victims. King's latest quarry, an American named Simon, attracts the affection of Joan and absconds with her in his private yacht - which doesn't sit too well with the big brother!

King and his motorcycle gang give chase and track the pair down to an isolated oceanside resort town, long abandoned. It's here, around the forty-five minute mark, that the movie takes a complete right turn and transforms into science-fiction territory. I won't spoil the rest here. I will say, though, that King has a nifty knife hidden in the handle of his umbrella.

The second movie I enjoy and that I've seen before is Cash on Demand, a bank robbery thriller starring Peter Cushing. Think a tamer version of Firewall if you want to know more about the story. Anyway, Cushing absolutely shines as the role of the bank manager, forced to steal the vault's fortune against his own will. Andre Morell, who also starred with Cushing in the Hammer adaptation of Hound of the Baskervilles, takes up the screen as the menacing robber.

Hopefully other Hammer and Amicus releases will follow suit. I'm holding out for Corruption, another Cushing vehicle where the actor plays a doctor forced to kill women to fix his disfigured wife's face.

I really, really, want to see Sucker Punch...

2010-07-25T18:41:00.003-04:00

...but Comic-Con's gonna ruin it. You know who's REALLY going to like Sucker Punch, and will see it on opening weekend en masse? The Comic-Con geeks. The disrespectful NERDS that cosplay in the theater and WILL NOT shut up throughout the whole thing.

I've had a few unpleasant run-ins with the Comic-Con geeks, namely at Resident Evil : Extinction. I saw it on a Saturday, and a Comic-Con fan, who probably saw it the day prior, recited and spoiled the whole thing while sitting with his friends. Throughout the entire movie. Getting an usher didn't help. When the lights came back on, I practically chased him out of the box office. The prick.

So opening weekend is out of the question. How about the week after? That's gonna be thrown out the window too. If Sucker Punch is gonna be as epic as 300 was, word of mouth will spread. And who will see it en masse the week after?

TWO groups of people. Always the same two groups.

Unsupervised kids and beefed-up meatheads that wear Affliction or Tapout shirts. Then it gets REALLY loud.

I'm a part of a seperate group - the movie buffs. The movie snobs. And my group wants to sit and watch a movie QUIETLY. Study a movie QUIETLY. Discuss movies later on QUIETLY.

An open e-mail to Stan Cox of the Washington Post

2010-07-15T19:29:00.003-04:00

To put things into context, readers...

Step One: work at a hot factory for over forty hours (or more with overtime! People have been calling off because of the heat wave) a week and bust your ass. Step Two: read this article from the Washington Post where Stan Cox begs everyone to turn off their air conditioning. Step Three: understand I'm just a little bit miffed at Mr. Cox's call to "go green" and enjoy my open response I just e-mailed to him.

Dear Mr. Cox:
This morning I ended a nine-hour work day and walked out of a factory where temperatures in certain parts of the production floor can average triple digits this time of year.

The temperature does not "prompt siestas", Mr. Cox. The only thing it prompts is water coolers to be placed in strategic areas throughout the plant to augment our numerous drinking fountains. My co-workers and myself take refuge, albeit temporary, under exhaust fans. We can't hang out under fans all day; we've got production lines to run. Your article making the case against air-conditioning sets up a nice scenario for an office setting but I find it pretty baffling no consideration is taken for production facilities. Shorter summer business hours? Month-long closings? Not possible at a factory that produces snack foods. If we shut down our ovens and fryers (which are duh, HOT, and we work next to them all day on top of the ambient temperature) people have no snacks and goodies for the green-oriented, community-based cookouts you so eloquently dream of.

And I also find it not baffling, but INSULTING, that no mention was also made of a certain group of people that have ALREADY forgone the technological wonder that is air conditioning: our veterans. At our plant we've just had an employee return to the shop floor from a year-long stretch overseas. A/C becomes not a convenience, but a luxury, when you're in a battle zone in the middle of the desert. And he was nice enough to return to a hot workplace after his stint there was done and suffer with the rest of us all over again.

I'd like to welcome you to a place called "The Real World", Mr. Cox. And it's not just a show on MTV you can sit and watch in front of a fan.

People work in hot factories here.

People fight for our freedoms and die here.

Aside from punching out an environmental-oriented opinion article, what the hell have YOU done lately?

I glad you have the spare time and the energy to dream up a world where everyone drops what they are doing, confesses their environmental sins, and vows to "go green". Should you ever want to get a real scoop for the Washington Post, come to my workplace in Ohio and tell my co-workers to shut off their air conditioning after going home to their families after a long, hard, hot day. Because, jeepers!, we've GOT to drop everything and save the planet after a long day at the office. Our work for Mother Earth is NEVER done, right?

Regards from my comfortable 72 degree home after yet ANOTHER hot day at the factory,
Paul Johnson, midnights food processor
Massillon, Ohio

Happy Sixth of July!

2010-07-06T10:27:00.002-04:00

The fireworks in Massillon sucked, my stomach is upset from all of the food I ate, and it was hot all weekend and it's still hot now.

The good news is that my Uncle Clif was home with my cousin Damon. They live in Illinois and I rarely get to see them. Good times. We had a blast. I've got some pictures and I may post them later.

Just letting everyone know that I'm alive. Heh.

What happens when you stake Dracula?

2010-06-26T05:03:00.000-04:00

Does he say "ouch!" and then complain while sparkling in the sunlight? Or take a date to Prom? Or decide to let bygones be bygones and suck the blood of a deer instead?

Hell no. He rips out the stake you put in him, tosses it back at you, then throws you from the rooftop and abducts your girlfriend with merely a glimmer in his eye a singular, esoteric line, "Now my revenge is COMPLETE."

Which is the reason Lee's Dracula is BADASS. I dare any of those TwiTards to look at me with a straight face and tell me that Team Edward is better than this. I DARE them.

Dear Whiny Co-Worker....

2010-06-23T17:54:00.002-04:00

1.) If you can't handle your job anymore, if you SERIOUSLY can't handle what your job description entails, our timeclocks are located around the corner from the maintenance shop. You know what to do. Also turn in your badge to the Human Resources department on the way out.

2.) If you did what the other guys and myself did as a processor, and you whined back there like you do out on the production floor now, you would not make it. You would not survive.

That is all.

EPIC.

2010-06-17T18:44:00.000-04:00

Wanna see the most legendary movie vampire ever break out into song? Here ya go. His stuff with metal band Charlemagne OWNS too.

NEW KENNY VIDEO!

2010-06-15T09:29:00.000-04:00

Our fearless leader warns about the dangers of black ice.

This happened almost 50 years ago TODAY.

2010-06-13T12:27:00.000-04:00

Clint Eastwood MADE IT. I know he did.

So don't tell me any bullshit contrary to the fact.

Cake and ice cream today!

2010-06-05T21:01:00.002-04:00

We had cake and ice cream today celebrating my mother and grandmother's birthdays. I was kind of embarrassed as no one imformed me of this development until a few hours beforehand. And I need to get Mom a card and something nicee. Tomorrow I will.

But for now I'm seeing "Splice" later this evening.

I was told by my unemployed uncle...

2010-06-02T20:50:00.002-04:00

...that I'm a "company slave". That I've got a great paying job, but the trade-off is I've decided to "live at the company".

I find this to be a compliment, actually. If being a "company slave" means I can help pay bills, put gas in my car, and not need to go to my aging grandmother's house for me and the family to eat dinner because I have no food in my fridge, I'm all for it.

Despite all of the listings that are in the classifieds (including one where a temp service was asking people to just WALK IN for work), my uncle chooses to remain unemployed and subsists on unemployment and welfare benefits, which barely gets them by.

Does that not constitute a form of "slavery?" Albeit a self-imposed form of the bondage.

I promptly jumped back into my grandmother's pool for a quick swim, then when I was finished I went home and played Modern Warfare 2. On my Playstation 3. On my big-screen TV. That I payed for MYSELF with money from MY STEADY JOB.

I'm sick of the "woe is me" or "holier than thou because I'm a free spirit" lectures from that man. And I'm sick of my family coddling his ass. And they want to know why I keep quiet and I'm a wallflower. HA!

2010-05-30T02:27:00.003-04:00

1936-2010
R.I.P.

When The Skull strikes, you'll SCREAM!

2010-05-24T17:25:00.000-04:00

Peter Cushing and guest-star Christopher Lee.

HELL YEAH HORROR FANS BETTER RECOGNIZE!

Today was payday.

2010-05-21T19:00:00.004-04:00

And every other Friday when I roll up to my local First Merit, someone has this eyesore bolted to their garage door.

First of all, who or what is a GLUMESC? I don't know but some ratty sign on a decrepit garage door doesn't make me want to find out. But the centerpiece of the sign advertises, "SEE HARVEY The CLOWN" and "SEE HARVEY ThE MOUSE" on either side of "AIR MUZUM", the Z being a sideways N. An air museum? Though my home state claims to be the birthplace of aviation I SERIOUSLY doubt that the garage's owner has the Kitty Hawk in there.

The link at the bottom right portion of the sign links to an actual webpage, albeit in JAPANESE. And of course the sign randomly says "JESUS" out of nowhere.

Because when you do something insane, you've ALWAYS got to appeal to the fundamentalist Christians. Or the equally-crazy Tea Party. The Crazy Makeup Lady that comes into the Lincoln is all for Jesus, going on for hours and hours about the guy. Maybe she can make some sense out of the garage sign.

The sign finally muses, "MAY BE i AM ON VACATion".

You sure are, Sign Author. You sure are. And until I can decipher the meaning of what the sign says, I have to strongly assume your mind took a little vacation too. I strongly suggest thorazine, lithium, and an immediate trip to Heartland Behavioral. I made the phone call and the nice men with the white jacket will be en route shortly.

Movie Shootout Showcase

2010-05-19T04:35:00.002-04:00

While I'm waiting for the add-on content for Heavy Rain to download on my PS3, I'm watching the end of The Way of the Gun. Therein lies possibly my favorite shootout in movie history. The whole movie is pretty much a bullet-riddled kidnap drama but the film REALLY shines and makes its mark with about the final ten to fifteen minutes. Just a really unique, gritty, hardcore, realistic-looking shootout. It's the reason I handle (and I've rarely ever touched one) a firearm with the utmost care and respect.
At Way of the Gun's climax, professional criminals Longbaugh (Benicio del Toro) and Parker (Ryan Phillippe) set up a drop to collect ransom money for the very pregnant and mid-labor Robin (Juliette Lewis). Enforcers from aging mob captain Sarno (James Caan) comply with the delivery - two duffel bags containing millions - and place it atop a dry fountain in the square of a hacienda facing a bar.

"There's always free cheese in a mouse trap," Longbaugh muses before he and his partner go fo the ransom drop, which is out in the open.

Complete and unadulterated mayhem ensues. Bullets fly, most missing their mark. A careless gangster hiding around a corner lets his foot stick out carelessly, which is shot, then the rest of him is riddled with bullets when he falls over. Parker fires wild with a shotgun, hitting another thug in the groin. Longbaugh is shot with a bullet grazing past the protection of his Kevlar vest. In a few tense moments, he only answers in mumbles when Parker screams at him, asking if he is all right.

Then Parker goes for the money drop, intending to take cover behind the inner wall of the fountain. But a nasty surprise is in store for him - residents of the hacienda had been long-using the inside of the dry fountain to deposit their mostly-broken glass and beer bottles. And Parker hasn't the time to look before he leaps.

Things go downhill from there quickly as the badly-wounded Parker tries to extract a bag of cash from the fountain. Sarno takes up an elevated position on a second floor and fires on both kidnappers from several windows, relocating between volleys of his own shots.

My words alone can no longer do the scene justice. Besides the very end, the shootout is devoid of music. Watch the whole hacienda/fountain shootout right here. Credit to the original uploader, his link is on the upper right of the page. And the amazing pictures are from the Internet Movie Firearms Database.

And as a bonus, internet legend Zodiac Motherfucker's take on The Way of the Gun, courtesy of the AV Club posting now calling Gun a cult film:

YOU GUYS ARE ALL FUCKING PUSSIES AND THIS MOVIE FUCKING OWNS YOUR ASS. LIKE SCOTT TOBITCHASS WHATS THIS SHIT ABOUT HOW THE LAST FINAL SHOWDOWN TURNS IRREDEEMABLY UGLY. LIKE WHAT THE FUCK SON ITS A FUCKING MOVIE AND YOU GUYS STILL PISS YOURSELVES OVER IT LIKE ITS YOUR FIRST FUCKING RODEO DONT YOU WATCH MOVIES FOR A FUCKING LIVING ALL DAY LONG AND EVERY FUCKING DAY LONG? THEN STOP ACTING LIKE SOME SCARED LITTLE BITCH WATCHING GOOSEBUMPS OR SOME SHIT YOU CAPALERT SOUNDING MOTHERFUCKERAND IT SURE AS FUCK OWNS BOONDOCK SAINTS I CANT BELIEVE YOU GUYS ARE EVEN BRINGING THAT SHIT UPI DONT KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IM GONNA DO WITH YOU BITCHES JUST MAN THE FUCK UP AND RECOGNIZE AWESOME HARDCORE SHIT WHEN YOU SEE IT

Thoughts on Daybreakers

2010-05-12T18:56:00.002-04:00

Everyone else I've talked to complained the movie was way too short (about 90 minutes) but I liked it. It moved along at a good place and established the story from the get go.

Very first scene - a child vampire, despondent over never being able to grow up, sits Indian-style in her driveway and commits suicide by waiting for sunrise. Then the rest of the story is revealed by news bulletins: in 2009 an infected vampire bat starts a pandemic, turning people into bloodsuckers worldwide. Fast forward to a decade later, and only five percent of the human population is still alive, mostly in hiding. Humans are captured and taken to Bromley Marks, a human livestock company draining people of their blood and giving it (albeit rationed) to vamps.

"Consumer capitalism" just kind of got a new meaning, folks.

A severe blood shortage gives hematologist Edward Dalton (Ethan Hawke) the green-light to develop synthetic blood to test on volunteers, with little success. Projectile vomiting and exploding vamps ensue. The gorehounds won't be entirely shocked, but pleased.

A chance car wreck puts Dalton (he gets distracted at the wheel while picking pieces of vampire out from his hair from his latest failed experiment) in the path of the last remnants of the human resistance, and the story just takes off from there. The humans want a sympathetic vampire they can trust. Dalton, who has been rejecting his blood rations and is at odds with his human-hunting brother, just wants an "out".

The casting is epic. I still remember Willem Dafoe as Orlok in Shadow of the Vampire and in Daybreakers he's a former vampire turned vamp-killer, cured back into human state by an accidental focused burst of sunlight. I feel no other actor can potray both of these opposing races.

And Sam Neill is even more epic as the CEO of Bromley Marks; I still loved him in Event Horizon. Perfect villain role. For Bromley, what he's doing is not murder, it's just business. And Isabel Lucas, playing Bromley's still-human daughter in hiding (don't get too connected to her watching guys, she suffers probably the most horrible fate in the whole movie) is just there looking smoking hot. Should a vampire outbreak occur she can rescue my sorry ass anytime.

Daybreakers isn't wall to wall bad but it still kicks some serious ass. These vampires don't sparkle. This is the real shit, people. Watch this one today.

Brief encounter

2010-05-08T22:33:00.002-04:00

Today I was at the mall for some reason. The FYE has long been out of business, making shopping there kind of irrelevant. Besides getting Mom a Mother's Day gift I guess I was just killing time. Upon approaching the front doors I caught a glimpse in the reflected glass doors of another group of younger guys looking like they were following me. Punks smoking cigarettes and wearing hoodies.

Just as a cautionary measure I weaved between rows of chairs in the food court, impeding any possible progess they would make if they WERE actually following me. It didn't seem like they were and I pretty much lost them, but it was a very brief, albeit creepy, encounter. I then just got the card and gift for Mom and took off pretty quick.

But I'm OK, which is the most important thing to Mom and Dad. Speaking of which, I don't know what my plans are for the 15th yet. I might have to work. When I get my schedule at the plant I'll know more.

So Kristen Stewart made People's "Most Beautiful" list?

2010-05-05T18:23:00.002-04:00

Hmm.

In my opinion, People telling Kristen Stewart she's beautiful is like telling Justin Bieber he can survive in the ring with Brock Lesnar.

We'd all like to root for the underdog and see that outcome, but we have our feet firmly planted in a place we call reality. At the end of the day, it's just. Not. Gonna. Happen.

I also find it weird that People wants to have a celebrity crush on a waify girl who still looks like she's 14. A lot of sick people get busted for that all the time by Chris Hansen on Dateline.

Just bought two small ShamWows.

2010-05-03T20:10:00.002-04:00

I think the product is a little overrated. But Vince is still a GREAT TV pitch-man.

And an excellent beater of hookers, too.

That is all.

If you wear Shape-Ups...

2010-05-01T14:08:00.003-04:00

...this constitutes INSTANT Man Card revocation. Even if you are a girl.

Was Audie Murphy wearing Shape-Ups when he became the most decorated soldier in American history kicking Nazi ass? HELL NO.

Did Zeus unleash the Kraken while wearing Shape-Ups? HELL NO.

Could you put a sail in the middle of this shoe and make a boat for your GI Joes? HELL N....well, you probably could.

But otherwise the Skechers Shape-Ups serve no other purpose and are a fucking DISGRACE to mankind. I will stick with Chuck Taylor Converse until the day I die. I want to be buried in my special edition BBQ Skulls. And I'm serious. Failure to adhere to this wish will result in my ghost haunting my stomping grounds for all time.

Dear Brooke Anderson...

2010-04-30T10:08:00.003-04:00

I was almost blinded by your veneers on last night's Showbiz Tonight on the breakroom TV at work. Yes, I saw them. The glory of HDTV broadcasting allowed me to see where the veneers started and the real teeth began. Or it looked like one of those Invisalign things. I don't freaking know. ANYHOW - I've got no problem with oral hygiene but when your teeth are sparkling white to the point they could co-star with Edward Cullen in a Twilight movie, and I don't even take off my safety goggles in the break room in order to reduce the glare, it's a pretty big problem.

I mean, I'm not asking you to wipe topsoil on your chompers but do something to rectify this problem immediately. We can't change the channel on the break room TV so for now I'm stuck with you.

So as far as the too-pearly whites go, please cease and desist (or dentist).

I hope you enjoy your weekend while my retinas are still struggling to recover, you heartless bitch.

Some updates.

2010-04-29T09:23:00.003-04:00

First of all a friend of mine, Scott Evans, printed up for me a test sheet of flyers advertising Dracula in October. I intend to go to Office Max or Kinko's THIS WEEKEND to get them printed up both in white and RED paper. It's obviously too far ahead to put them up but I want to have them ready nonetheless for when October gets closer. The more I get done the easier things will fall into place.

Secondly, I've just been busy at work. And when I'm not working, I've been a huge movie buff as usual. I've been in a Dario Argento (check out Deep Red, his masterpiece, as well as Suspiria) and especially Sam Peckinpah (The Wild Bunch, Straw Dogs, The Getaway) mood as of late. I don't consider Peckinpah on par with my "holy trinity" of directors (Hitchcock, Kubrick, Kurosawa), but I give Sam Peckinpah a lot of credit for making movies the way he wanted to in an uncompromising fashion.

The guy basically had the balls to take his entire world view - albeit a completely nihilistic, misanthropic one - and just slap it on celluloid for all to see. Yep, a movie with Peckinpah at the helm isn't exactly How to Train Your Dragon or another happy family affair...

Yeah, *laughs* I've been watching a lot of comedies as of late and I need something hard and unforgiving to level the playing field in my movie playlist.

Also, I've been volunteering at the Lincoln a little bit more than usual.

Finally (which will most explain the lack of updates), some street workers found it prudent, while digging on the side of the road, to be stupid and accidentally sever our underground phone line. So we had no telephone or internet for a little while. My Twitter updates were via public wifi at Panera *laughs*.

Peter Cushing plays War Games

2010-04-21T19:34:00.001-04:00

Vampire-hunter extraordinaire Peter Cushing busts out miniature soldiers, paints them, and plays war games. And then he lights up a smoke and looks at the chaos he's created. What a badass.

Don't believe me? Video here.

Enjoy.

Trick 'r Treat

2010-04-19T12:11:00.002-04:00

I'm a big fan of not only Hammer Horror movies but the horror anthologies from its then rival movie studio, Amicus. Broken down in its raw form a horror anthology is typically three or four mini-segments wrapped around a central sub-plot (also known as a framework).

The House that Dripped Blood, for example, follows a police investigator tracking down a missing actor to a haunted house the latter had rented. He's then told four stories, each more horrible than the last, of the previous tenants of the mansion by a real-estate agent and other officers. All lead up to not only the actor's whereabouts, but to the final fate of the investigator. Both don't end well.

Anyhow, Trick 'r Treat (which I watched last night) doesn't play like the traditional anthology movie, where it's one segment after the other, which I'm more used to and I would have liked to have seen better. But I'm not disappointed and Trick 'r Treat's creators made it work. The segments overlap on each other, much like we saw with a movie like Sin City. What came to mind for me more was the Forbidden Siren video game series, where more of the plotline is revealed the more it's watched. You get a lot of "oh so THAT'S where they came from" moments here, which is cool.

Anyway, a really good horror movie. Basically four different segments that take place during trick-or-treating on Halloween. In a moment that pre-dates Zombieland the cantankerous kid/candy-hating Mr. Kreeg (fuckin' Brian Cox!) "double-taps" a little jack-o-lantern monster with his shotgun.

In another segment, just to warn you here of a SPOILER, I was expecting vamps (well what can I say True Blood alum Anna Paquin was a big fucking red flag) but werewolves popped up instead.

But REMEMBER kids, according to the "Hammer rules" we talked about earlier silver projectiles work against both creatures of these varieties. Before I know it Halloween will be around the corner. I may need to melt down that silverware set I inherited and get a bullet-molding kit...

That's right, they DON'T know.

2010-04-17T23:16:00.003-04:00

You TELL em, Zeus. Make those bitches RECOGNIZE.

How to Survive a Hammer Vampire Movie

2010-04-16T15:12:00.003-04:00

Not too long ago, vampires as part of our popular culture were different. They didn't enjoy the wholesome activities they perform today like playing baseball, talking about their feelings, or escorting their pasty, homely-looking girlfriends to Prom. No, siree. The progenitors of the modern vampire movie were much more battle-hardened and tougher than their emo-style offspring. Vamps back then had fangs and actually used them. They actually were foul creatures of the night, if readers can look back that far.

There's a lot of great movies that showcase how cool vampires were and still can be, even very recently. Fright Night, 30 Days of Night, From Dusk 'Till Dawn, Daybreakers, and many others (with the exception of the Twilight saga, I'm HOPING) all come to mind.

But in my opinion the vampire movie would not exist and present itself the way it does today without two things: Hammer Studios and the GREAT horror movies they put out first, and Christopher Lee's (today he's best known for his roles as Count Dooku and Saurumon) preformance as Dracula.

I won't get into the whole genealogy of the Hammer franchise here, people. The Angry Video Game Nerd does the whole thing justice in one of his CineMassacre features here. Although he deserves a smart slap across the mouth - Christopher Lee gave the best potrayal ever, not the second best behind Universal's Lugosi, as James opines. Sure, Lugosi established the mood, mannerisms, and even the voice of Stoker's title character. But it was Lee (with his six-foot-four frame helping him out greatly) that raised the bar and made this classic villain much more menacing. Just witness the greatness via this iconic photo.

This is why I choose to sponsor Horror of Dracula this October. But I want potential visitors to the Lincoln Theater in Massillon to be prepared - horror buffs, Twilighters, and the general public alike. So I got to thinking. How DOES one survive a Hammer Vampire movie, especially with Lee's Dracula at the helm? How does one look back before (yuck) sparkly vampires came around? And I realized it's easier than one might think.

1.) Be Prepared, Not Scared: It's not just the theme of Cody Lundin's survival manuals, which are great reads, but I digress. The vampires of "ancient" Hammer movie lore had weaknesses (besides pale, waify-looking girls) which you can exploit. First of all you have to have the right vampire-fighting equipment with you.

For starters, crosses work great. BONUS points if they're shiny or silver-cast, blasting a crucifix-shaped light into a vampire's face while you do a cool pose or recite Latin exorcism rites. But crosses only work as well as a stun-gun on us humans. It's items like wooden stakes through the heart and holy water that are the real show-stoppers against vampires. Just don't mind the funny look you get from the priest if you fill up your water bottle at the holy cistern (*raises hand* I'm guilty). And silver bullets or silver blades? Besides working on their more furry counterparts, they do the job against the Hammer vamps too. Dracula is immobilized by a silver dagger in Dracula: AD 1972, one of the MANY Dracula sequels that Lee got sick of doing after so many years.

And you need the confident attitude as well. Just remember the vampire's weaknesses and you'll come out of a scrap with one just fine. Just tell yourself, "I'm a badass vampire killer," until you BELIEVE it.

VIDEO: Watch Van Helsing do it RIGHT. As much as Dracula is remembered for potraying Dracula, the late Peter Cushing is equally remembered and adored for playing the vampire lord's arch-nemesis, Professor Van Helsing. Watch the latter come prepared and make his move with a pocket bible, crucifix, and even a silver gun! Badass. All goes well until Dracula's brainwashed slaves thwart our trusted professor in what I can best describe as a total BITCH MOVE.

Which leads me to the next survival rule.

2.) Don't Let the Bitch Bait-and-Switch! As dangerous as the lead vamps in Hammer movies are, Dracula or otherwise, even MORE dangerous are the innocent women they capture, drain, and make into their undead concubines. I'm NOT advocating would-be vampire slayers to be misogynists; just be careful.

Think with your heads, guys. As in the one that sits on your shoulders. A scared-looking young woman begging you for help could be a vamp setting up an ambush. Have you got a sister, girlfriend, or significant other that's been missing for a while? And then they come to your doorstep wanting a hug? Watch out! And pale-looking, cleavage-heavy chicks coming on to you? Forget it. Vying for some post-mortem poontang will most likely make you vampire food.

As is the case with nine out of ten adolescents, also watch out for sudden mood swings, changes in sleeping and eating habits, and anything else weird. Not only being signs for possible vampire brainwashing, this means teenagers are pretty much SCREWED.

VIDEO: Watch Harker do it WRONG. Besides not following Rule #1 (no cross/stake!) would-be hero Harker lets his guard down (COME ON, the name "Dracula" should be a red flag by now!) when the young woman begs him for help. And Harker also FAINTS after he gets ambushed, thereby getting his Man Card REVOKED.

3.) Don't Flake - Give Them the Stake! Sadly, you may come across one of your loved ones waiting inside of a coffin. In this case, they are no longer your best buddy or your sibling or your hubby. They are corrupted by the evil bite of a vampire. Grim as it may sound, the only way to free them of the curse is to give them the best gift you can give - a stake through the heart.

But DON'T dawdle! Time is of the essence. If you flake, another vampire could ambush your ass. Or the one you want to stake in the first place can wake up during your moment of hesitation. Remember gang - stake first, cry about it with the Cullen family later.

VIDEO: Harker, once again, does it WRONG! These examples are just like Goofus and Gallant, aren't they? Harker does man up and stake the bimbo that chomped on him, but flakes when a very pissed off Dracula arrives.

VIDEO: Watch Van Helsing do EVERYTHING right! Our fearless Professor defends himself with a crucifix, explains to his buddy Holmwood why staking the guy's sister is so important, and then performs the grim task at hand without delay. Note that Holmwood doesn't do much of anything. Holmwood is what we would call a scared little bitch today.

I hoped this guide to Hammer Horror helped, and I hope to see everyone at the Lincoln this October. Just remember the final rule.

4.) Real Vampires Don't Sparkle. If you see a sparkly vamp, it's an emo kid with glitter makeup. No stake or holy water is needed, just don your favorite footwear and kick their ass.

Got to thinking today.

2010-04-13T19:56:00.002-04:00

Saw ALL of the local yokels out in full force today (Crazy Bike Lady, Crazy Mike, crazy Nick from Fisher's, Amish Bucket Man, Blind Fury - the latter is blind and I think his cane has a hidden sword inside like the movie of the same name) and I got to thinking.

Besides from being mentally ill/disabled why do they choose to operate and conduct themselves the way that they do? Are THEY the sane ones and are WE crazy? I was then reminded of Steve Buscemi's lecture on "insane" in Con-Air. Just got the gears turning up here, and maybe I had a Kenny-style ephipany. Hmmm.....

10/10 Cinematic LEGEND points right here.

2010-04-12T03:31:00.002-04:00

Just got finished watching "Black Dynamite" a little bit ago and holy SHIT what an awesome movie. Michael Jai White kicks ass as the title character. Basically follows and completely spoofs the blaxploitation theme (righteous badass ghetto brawler is out for revenge, kicks ass, and gets a ton of poontang in the process), but "Dynamite" does so without being insulting or degrading to its viewers. The movie knows it's a spoof and that you're not going to take it seriously and just have fun.

I gotta admit I was completely distracted by this one when Lanky and I were supposed to be dumping over 20 minutes of brand-spanking-new KENNY FOOTAGE on to my lappy. We can do that some other time.

So anyway, as Landon described to me, Black Dynamite hits the streets to take on "The Man", and to get to the bottom of things, has to go all the way to the top. "All the way," as Landon emphasized. I didn't know what he meant until I saw the EPIC final battle between Dynamite and a famous person I won't spoil here.

Basically about the best 90 minutes I've spent in a long time. And the psychological trauma/Man Card revocation from watching "New Moon" a few weeks ago? Totally gone now.

I'd like to write a how-to guide for October.

2010-04-11T21:47:00.002-04:00

"How to Survive a Hammer Vampire Movie". Got the basic outline in my head and everything. Further considering this.

Thoughts on some movies I've watched.

2010-04-08T21:17:00.002-04:00

"Rapid Fire" - wall to wall ass-kicking from the late Brandon Lee (just like all of the other greats, gone too soon man!). I'm glad to have seen this again after a long time.

The new "Bad Leiutenant" - great movie. And I will never, ever, do drugs. Ever. Or stuff a loaded Dirty Harry gun down the front of my pants (wasn't Cage's character worried about blasting his own balls off?). GREAT performance by Xzibit, by the way.

Coming up is "Stalker", some post-apocalyptic sci-fi from the former Soviet Union. And then I'm watching "The Stuff", a movie about infected yogurt that makes people melt and/or explode.

Happy Bunny Day!

2010-04-04T19:14:00.002-04:00

Watched "Clash of the Titans" with Dad today. Pretty sweet. Even better though is legendary movie critic Zodiac Motherfucker's take on the whole movie, which I can only sum up as EPIC. Dad showed me his new house they're getting as well as giving me one of Grandpa's old WWII books and a battery-opertated pocketwatch (of which I tried to replace the battery unsuccessfully, bummer). Also, I saw more pictures of Andrew and his little girl (can't believe I'm considered an uncle now) thanks to Dad. It was a great Easter celebration. Also the weather was grand. Smooth sailing.

Since nothing is open as of right now and all major shopping centers appear to be deserted at the moment due to Chocolate Bunny/Jesus Ressurection Day, my current plans are movies, PS3, and sleep. Good times.

Happy Birthday Dad!

2010-03-31T20:01:00.002-04:00

You want to know what else is so special about this day? Besides that it's your birthday and that you're a great dad?

You share your birthday with none other than Christopher Walken.

Just wanted to let you know this.

Cheers!

Daymare Town 3

2010-03-30T20:45:00.003-04:00

http://www.pastelportal.com/stories/game.php?id=dmt3

You all need to be playing this right now. Plus I saw the pictures of Andrew's girl. What a cute kid! And my mom can't stop looking at them. Hard to believe I've got to consider myself an uncle now.

Adventures of a movie aficianado Part Two: "Things I learned or already know from watching New Moon"

2010-03-29T16:44:00.002-04:00

1.) GUYS - both beer and "Invasion U.S.A." ease the pain after viewing this film. "Hard Target" also helps here.2.) When protecting your pasty, only marginally-attractive girlfriend from evil vampires, try not to get chokeslammed like a bitch. Observe Edward officially getting his Man Card REVOKED (if he ever had one to begin with). It's the only short clip of this movie I could bear to watch.

3.) When you're at the movie theater with a girl you like and another guy as friends, and she says, "looks like it's just the three of us," it means you're not getting any. Puking during a movie called FacePunch doesn't help you keep your Man Card either.

4.) Apparently silver bullets won't be of much use against the werewolves of "New Moon", if you should ever face one. You'd have to summon the Ice Queen from the Narnia movies to kill them because they look almost related to Aslan.

5.) According to the Twilight lexicon you can always beg for mercy and then have a psychic vampire BFF vouch for you if you're fighting a losing battle against vampires. I would have preferred to keep Dr. Van Helsing company but that's just me. Begging for mercy isn't my speed. You stay classy, TwiTards.

Confirmed "Horror of Dracula" dates.

2010-03-26T20:09:00.004-04:00

The weekend of October 8th, 9th, and 10th. Just paid for the sponsorship. If you're sick of sparkly vampires that take their pasty, marginally-attractive girlfriends to Prom and then get into homoerotic fights with other vamps/werewolves BE THERE.I'm sick of all these god-damn vampires that just looked like they walked out of Hot Topic or The Interbelt. I've officially stepped up to the plate to rectify this problem. Team Van Helsing FTW.

Adventures of a movie aficianado, Part One: "Mommy!"

2010-03-23T23:11:00.002-04:00

First of all, a bit of background geography/backstory here about the area I live in...

A while back before FYE shut down here at Belden Village Mall, people that used to shoplift overpriced DVD's from that chain store (most of the time just running out with them, which was frequent) used to take them to a used DVD store, BuyBack DVD (called CD Warehouse back then), right across the street from the mall.

Thieves never go to Record Exchange, another used DVD store across the street from the mall. The employees there are smart enough to know something's fishy when a gangsta-wanksta crack-dealing looking type, with customized glittery Blue Devil brand jacket and droopy pants, goes to trade in Criterion DVD's or a bunch of obscure TV show box sets like The Equalizer, Wuthering Heights, Poirot, or Hammer's House of Horror. After asking to see the driver's license at the trade in, a quiet call to the police is made by another employee while the register clerk stalls for time by saying, "it'll just be a few more minutes to ring this up."

Dope-dealing, movie-stealing street flotsam fall for it every time, and spill the beans when the cops pull them aside and question them on their taste in cinema or ask them what the movies are about. Kudos to Record Exchange employees.

BuyBack employees, on the other hand, are most likely teenage-high school/just out of high school kids barely competent enough to run a register, if that. They're just going through the motions and they just work there. Thieves LOVE taking their loot to BuyBack because they LOVE bored, underpaid employees that don't pay attention.

Who cares where people got the movies from on the trade-ins?

Who cares if the alarm went off when people walked in with trades? Maybe an equally-despondent employee at another store forgot to put it through the alarm deactivator magnet.

And when the hell is their fucking smoke break? They've got better shit to do than serve you and keep the movies in alphabetical order. Like going to the big party that weekend, getting wasted, and contracting any number of STD's.

So, getting to the story here, today I entered BuyBack DVD because I was feeling rather adventurous. Immediately upon my arrival a BuyBack employee isn't paying attention and reading a magazine while a young teenage couple is letting their toddler run amok all over the store, screaming and laughing. Baby Mama and Papa (with Father of the Year dressed, yes, as a WANKSTA) clearly exhibit "stop or I'll tell you to stop again" parenting skills. The kid is running all over the store, going under and over the shelves, and running in and out of the employees only area (which is always with door wide open with no employees watching).

I find a really decent copy of Manhunter, very fairly priced, and I feel a tugging at my pant leg. The child-parents' little boy, about two, looks up at me, waves, and gives me a cheerful "HI!" He then points to the DVD I've selected and inquires, without missing a beat, "SpongeBob?"

To which I reply, "No, this isn't SpongeBob. This is the Red Dragon. This is SCARY."

The boy deliberates for a moment, seeming to understand this. As I further browse through the store, the boy follows me like a lost puppy. I try to ignore him and his one word gesticulations, namely, "SpongeBob!" and "Yo!". This goes on for a few minutes.

I then realize Mom and Dad of the Year are at the other end of the store making their purchases, leaving their kid alone. Just plain STUPID. The kid realizes this too (that's he's just alone, not that his progenitors are mongoloids), and not seeing over the taller shelves blurts out to me, "Mommy!"

"No, I'm not Mommy," I tell him, pointing to the front of the store. "Mommy is over there, getting SpongeBob." I hated to tell him a lie but I just wanted him away from me.

The ruse works, or sort of, anyway. The kid runs towards the front of the store calling, "Sponge-BOB Square-PANTS! Sponge-BOB Square-PANTS!", just like the theme song, then gets distracted by something else in an aisle and grabs it off of the shelf. By now Dad of the Year gets bored of this and just grabs his kid, saying, "I told you not to screw around and meddle!"

I kind of chuckle at this because:

1.) He didn't tell his kid much of anything besides just saying "stop" and then ignoring him, and

2.) Wanksta Dad used a big thesaurus word like "meddle" in a sentence. WOW.

And that's how I was a babysitter-slash-surrogate father (or "Mommy" according to the boy) for about five minutes at the ghetto DVD store this afternoon.

Just got off the phone...

2010-03-22T22:23:00.003-04:00

...with Matt AKA JazzyLemmon. Thank you thank you thank you for the support and kind words. Feeling a lot of eustress here (that's clinical speak for good stress) but a little more focused on what I need to be doing for Horror of Dracula. Right now my itinerary consists of 1.) confirming the dates of both Dracula and the annual Zombie Walk in Massillon, 2.) changing the weekend of Dracula if need be as to not conflict with the Zombie Walk, and of course 3.) paying for Dracula. Most of this will take place maybe Friday. Gotta make more phone calls tomorrow.

Once those three things are done there's plenty of time to throw together the rest.

It just so happens I've got a empty journal book on hand and this is what I'm using to take down all the important notes, especially the ones I just jotted down with Matt over the phone. I'm using Sharpies so I'm kind of getting woozy from the fumes in my office here.

Bonus Points for Drunken Text Messages!

2010-03-21T22:09:00.002-04:00

My work area is down at the plant for about the next three days because we are getting new production equipment installed. This evening before stepping in Great Escape to see Repo Men (blegh) and to celebrate my mini-vacation, I received the following text message from a friend and co-worker. NOTE: I'm editing out the SMS speak and the drunken misspellings, which were numerous -

"Currently shitfaced. Here's my itinerary. Monday - drink. Tuesday - special at the strip club and more drinking. Maybe more drinking on Wednesday and I'll have no idea how to get to work. JOIN UP?"

I texted back, "about to see a movie myself. Just want to kick back and relax. Thanks anyway."

"hahaha! Always the fucking Boy Scout!"

"There are no stupid questions, just stupid people."

2010-03-18T18:26:00.002-04:00

So go ahead and ask away at this link. And tell all your buddies.

And one of my favorite co-workers is as much of a metal detector enthusiast as I am a horror movie buff. He's informed me last night that he found a coin that's been appraised to almost $2,000. Congratulations, Jim! I certainly don't have the time, energy, or patience to do what he does.

Hammer Films' CEO on Twilight.

2010-03-14T17:09:00.002-04:00

"...if we had a story that we liked and it so happened that it hit that demo of the Twilight audience, we would do that. But I don’t consider Twilight a horror movie anyway, to be perfectly frank. Do you?"

Just an excerpt of Collider's interview with Simon Oakes. Hopefully Hammer is coming back to kick ass and take names (namely Edward Cullen's). Damn good read.

New Favorite Artists

2010-03-10T20:16:00.002-05:00

I usually don't dig new music releases and I eschew listening to the radio in favor of popping in one of my own CD's, usually some back in the day 80's New Wave. Maybe some Ramones or Run-DMC in the car.

But I found two new artsits that I actually really really enjoy, the first of which is Die Antwoord (trans: "The Answer"), a hip-hop group hailing from South Africa. The beats and lyrics (albeit confusing, this group raps in both English and Afrikaans), are absolutely sick. Exhibit One: the video for "Wat Pomp" ("What's Up?").

I've also taken a liking to La Roux (video for "Quicksand" here). Back-to-basics synthpop/New Wave, which I love.

I've taken a lot of flak from co-workers because I've got both groups bumping through the stereo in my car. But I do not care. New music in my opinion has sucked since maybe 2000 in my opinion and if this is the new wave that's going to bring in a lot of fresh air I say keep it coming people!

Wow, this is some talent!

2010-03-07T22:57:00.003-05:00

Found this while getting some images for a flyer I want to put together...For the life of me I can't find the guy's blog again. He didn't speak English, it was a Spanish blog. I would have loved to congratulate him, or tried to.

Pity.

UPDATE: With some detective work I found it again. Here's the post giving credit where credit is due. Also looking through his DeviantArt gallery. Check it out, guys. Brilliant stuff, and I think he DOES speak English.

And - GASP! - he made a Christopher Lee one too!

Over the years...

2010-03-05T21:08:00.002-05:00

I have developed several idiosyncracies, but I find them completely nessecary.

First of all I sat through the Great Blackout of '03 in complete darkness without a working flashlight. Oh yeah, I had a glowstick but that didn't last long. I'd rather not do that again and to rectify this potential problem I've purchased six, count them, six - Energizer Hard Case AA flashlights and have them all in a case ready for snatch and grab.

Been into preparedness ever since then.

I don't mean to toot my own horn but I also consider myself having an extensive vocabulary. I curse but not often. I try to enunciate my words and use proper grammar. People at the next table over in a restaurant or behind me in line may not care for this, but so what?

Finally, I must have a SkyBar in my fridge ready to grab at all times. SkyBars and me are like Zombieland's Tallahassee and Twinkies.

Great news!

2010-03-02T20:28:00.002-05:00

1.) PSN is back online, less than 24 hours, too. Good deal.

2.) because of #1 just finished Heavy Rain. What an AMAZING, AMAZING, game. And I got the best ending on the first shot, too. Great stuff.

3.) This morning at work I had to stay over two and a half hours to help throw away over four-thousand pounds of corn that some other moron didn't cook right!

Guess which bullet point is the sarcastic one for bonus achievements!

PSN Down

2010-02-28T21:50:00.002-05:00

Playstation Network is down on PS3 fatty systems pretty much worldwide. The BEST things you can do right now, PS3 users, right along with me!:

1.) Take a deep breath and calm down. The issue lies on PSN and not on your system, most likely. Sony's looking into it.

2.) Don't do a system format/restore. Most likely it will be for nothing. Wait until Sony resolves the issue on their own or throws out some updates.

3.) Kindly turn off and unplug your PS3 systems to give the Sony devs some breathing room. They KNOW about the issue and are working on it.

My feed here. Gotta go into work and by the time I get home this should be resolved.

Would you drink this for +1 HP?

2010-02-22T18:17:00.002-05:00

Or +20 HP, with the Hematophage Perk? Pat yourself on the back if you know where that's from, without the assistance of the link provided.

Anyway, I got one the other day. Not to drink (because I think it looks GROSS in my opinion), but for giggles, mostly. I'm going to look at the expiration dates at the other ones sold at the mall and if they'll last long enough I'm going to buy a few more come payday. They'll make good prize giveaways for the Horror of Dracula screening this October. YES, I'm still preparing for it even though it's months away. So keep it posted people! I was thinking of arriving early and placing them under random seats.

I'd like to "make it rain" like Rob Dyrdek and throw prizes from the balcony but I need something light to use as a prize if I want to do that. And something that's not prone to bursting open when thrown.

Redefine the Enemy

2010-02-22T00:47:00.003-05:00

It's not just ATR's final album anymore. Bonus points to whoever can remember that along with me.

ANYHOW, I got bored and downloaded the "Lost in Nightmares" add-on for Resident Evil 5. The final verdict? It's GREAT but waaay to short. I loved the new enemy (basically, a juggernaut that swings a broken-off boat anchor at you). And your fight with Wesker at the end, futile as it may be (yes, you lose) is also cool as hell. As the player you go down fighting, which is not only pretty satisfying but also an integral part to the RE lexicon as well.I've seen a lot of other Youtube users and commentators demand that the zombies come back in the brand-new Resident Evil games but I contend that Capcom doesn't need to. Players, much like readers did when reading the Harry Potter franchise, grew up along with Resident Evil's genealogy. We're way past simple flesh-eating zombies, kids. Playtime is over and we need to face our fears in a new way. And Capcom will continue to "redefine the enemy" within the survival horror genre whether video gamers like it or not.Anyhow, how the hell is everyone doing? I have been busy working, cleaning up around the house, and getting all of my taxes done. I owe Uncle Sam a little bit of money because I file single and two, but to me that's okay. I know that taxes to those clowns are like a no-interest, no-risk loan they take out. They set up and change their own rules season after season and no matter what everyone has to pay. So it's better for me to just take home more every pay and save away.

That's right, readers. There's no need to flip out like that idiot Joseph Stack or get out the chalkboard a la Glenn Beck (oh for God's sake why did he have to do that at CPAC, of all places? Just ridiculous). Just do what I do and hide some of your cash within the cover of your favorite DVD case and they can't ... WHOOPS, not a secret anymore.

MAN.

2010-02-17T17:02:00.002-05:00

I've got to get back into the game. Literally, with my PS3 console. I heard Uncharted 2 is nothing short of brilliant but I haven't played that one yet. I've been told White Knight Chronicles, Alien vs. Predator, and Dante's Inferno are mediocre at best so I think I'm going to skip those for now. I'm still stuck on MW2 multiplayer (I've been hooked ever since I actually got working internet to the house I don't have to steal from others) for so long.

Also, a movie called Band of the Hand is quite possibly the most homo-erotic 80's action flick I have ever seen. And this is NOT a good thing. But HOLY CRAP the ending is JUST LIKE the video game MERCS for the Sega Genesis. Saw this on Showtime not too long ago.

It's on like Donkey Kong!

2010-02-14T04:37:00.002-05:00

Horror of Dracula's been confirmed for this October. Will keep you all posted occasionally leading up to when the time comes. The Twitards in the Massillon area are soon gonna know what time it is.

I've got some little things planned for when I sponsor the movie - prize giveaways of DVD's from my own personal collection, Hammer memoribilia show-offs, just to name a few.

Though Dracula won't be the week of Halloween (the Lincoln will have a Wolfman double feature then) I also want to encourage people to dress up. It's my objective to not only have Hammer vampire horror in Massillon but to basically have a huge movie party that serves as an anti-catharsis to all the Twilight nonsense.

Vampires do NOT play baseball.

Vampires do NOT sparkle.

Vampires do NOT meet their high school sweethearts and introduce them to their parents.

Vampires just look badass like this.

Hey Kids! Don't Do This! - Segment One

2010-02-10T19:39:00.001-05:00

Three years ago. Can't believe it was that long.

I was picking through my friend's copy of Rue Morgue...

2010-02-09T20:23:00.002-05:00

And they were doing a year-end review of 2009. They said Halloween II "wounded their retinas". I've got a problem with this for two reasons.

First, I admire the Halloween re-dos by Zombie. I really do. For me they go back to the early movies of Wes Craven or even what reviewer Dejan Ognjanovic says in one of my coffee table books about Dario Argento's Suspiria - "The plot is clearly derived from fairy tales ... no hunters come to the rescue: the hero(ine) is left to his/her own wits."

As is the case with the movies of the two directors I mentioned, there's no knight in shining armor to come and save the damsel in distress. More often than not the protagonist has to stoop to the low moral level of the villain and perform the unthinkable in order to survive. For some odd reason the poolside hummer scene (OUCH OUCH OUCH) in the original "Last House on the Left" comes to mind here but I digress...

The hero(ine) usually doesn't come out of this in one piece with mind and body fully intact, which most viewers (especially in the case of the revamped BD release of Halloween II, with extended ending) don't want. But the important thing to realize is that just like any other filmmaker or artist, Zombie is a storyteller. Plain and simple. All you've got to do is enjoy the ride regardless of where the destination lies.

Remember how HUGE a hit The Dark Knight was? And does anyone remember what Scarecrow told the mobsters that were pissed his drugs were messing up the customers?

"I told you my compound would take you places," Scarecrow lectures. "I never said they'd be places you wanted to go."

So why can't Rue Morgue (not that I have a problem with the publication) and others stop bitching, just fasten their-seat belts, and hit the fucking gas pedal?

And secondly, is Rue Morgue implying that Scout Taylor-Compton has wounded their retinas as well? Because judging by the link provided I certainly don't think that's the case. Just WOW.

And that's my end of the lecture.

Making a good idea a million times better.

2010-02-08T19:55:00.003-05:00

I was out the other night with Lanky when I noticed this toy at a checkout counter.

It's a little plastic gun that shoots little plastic kitties in the air. I pointed out to Landon in the checkout line that the toy would be a MILLION times better with the following alterations.

1.) If it had "ANIMAL CONTROL ENFORCEMENT" emblazioned on the side,

2.) If it came with about 80-90 of the little plastic cats,

3.) And if it contained a crazy cat lady, much like the ones you read about on the news frequently or see on Hoarders or better yet on 20/20.

The other people looked at me in the line like I was the crazy one but it's only my intention to make a work of art that imitates life! I told Landon out loud, right there in Borders, "I don't care if other people can hear me out in public. I've got brilliant ideas and I'm gonna share them with the world."

Yes readers, I am the smartest man alive.

2010-02-08T11:16:00.002-05:00

So the Saints won the Super Bowl? Hmm. Don't really care. Moving on. I don't waste my time with football.

At least I've had the last two nights off, after working overtime on Saturday morning. Everyone just had to call off. But otherwise I made to work and back okay.

Should I not make it to work tonight...

2010-02-05T20:50:00.001-05:00

It's been a pleasure posting here. Gotta go in tonight even though the snow is coming down like a freaking anvil.

There's a medical term for this.

2010-02-03T18:36:00.002-05:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6TPJ1uqF05w
http://www.mysanantonio.com/news/Self-described_wolf_woman_severed_lost_dogs_head.html
It's called clinical lycanthropy, when a person is under the delusion that they are a werewolf or are some other form of a shapeshifter. We learned about it in the first day of Psych 101, just for shits and giggles. Some friendly advice for the people of San Antonio, TX - hide your pets and maybe your small children too.

Jesus jumped-up Christ! If I had a kid this screwed up and he/she said they wanted to run away, they'd certainly have my blessing. Wolfie Blackheart does get an honorable mention for being hot, though. Schizoid delusions aside she can sink her teeth into me any time.

Just Tweeted this BUT...

2010-02-01T01:38:00.003-05:00

I talked to Lynda about sponsoring "Horror of Dracula" this October at the Lincoln. She says she's looking into it. I've quite frankly had enough of the "Twilight" bullshit. People around here need to see some real vampires in action. I'm sick of vampires that are daywalkers (I call them "GAYwalkers") with sparkling skin who want to marry their high school sweethearts.

I want to see Peter Cushing slamming stakes through the hearts of the foul beasts of the night, right on the big screen. I want Massillon to be captivated as Christopher Lee gazes down and chomps on any poor dumbass/unsuspecting female he encounters. I've pretty much made this decision and I'm sticking to it.

The people in Massillon and the surrounding area don't just need great Hammer horror. They deserve it.

A Quick History Lesson, with Props

2010-01-29T19:06:00.004-05:00

I remember a little back when I told about my grandmother's passing, and I reminisced about the story she used to LOVE to tell me as a child before Alzheimer's claimed her mind and spirit. Every Monday when SHE was a child, she used to tell me, Grandma and her sister used to wait for the "ice man" to come and load up the ice chest with big blocks of ice. She would tell me how nice the man was to her and the family in Mitchell, Indiana every week, and how it was so good to see him.

You see, readers, before we had the fancy electric-powered refrigerators that we've got today, we had ice boxes or ice chests that were cooled, literally, by gigantic blocks of ice. These were usually placed at the top of the box, which cooled the air and whatever perishables you had inside. Then as the ice melted, most ice boxes had some sort of a catchment system that would capture the melted water and run it off to either a catch pan which would be dumped or through some sort of a pipe where it could be pumped out with a primitive siphon.

Every week, a delivery man would be sent to your home to replace the blocks of ice (depending on the unit you had they were usually 25-30 pound blocks). And usually you had some sort of a coupon or a form to fill out when the ice man made his delivery.

Well today I came across some coupons like this.

Much like you see at today's dry cleaners, you didn't get ice unless you had an ice ticket! I'm going to show these to my 92-year-old great-grandma. She'll know exactly what these are.

For the record...

2010-01-28T23:30:00.002-05:00

I hate getting my blood drawn. The needle doesn't bother me, but I'm one of the unfortunate few that can feel my blood pumping into the vial. For me it's pretty much stomach-churning and I had to go through that this morning. It was part of my provided insurance at work - they do a Q&A, draw your blood, and I also got the H1N1 vaccine as an added bonus. Basically I know now what I did already - that I'm a healthy 25-year-old not yet ready to drop over.

The State of the Union was all the rage at work last night but based on my post below you can all guess I didn't watch it.
I have bigger fish to fry, such as work, doing (or trying to) a DL of Siren: Blood Curse, yet ANOTHER book from Backlist Books (you gotta support your local small businesses, people!), and being off tonight from work. My ass slept in until early this evening. I now have a movie in my PS3 while I'm still waiting for Siren: Blood Curse to finish up here.

2010-01-28T10:08:00.002-05:00

"Politicians just keep coming at you in waves until you're subsumed by the undertow of their doubletalk and the riptide of their malign intent, to drown an ignoble death in a muddy sinkhole of lies."

-Kim Newman,
Apocalypse Movies: End of the World Cinema

Play Danny Off, Keyboard Cat!

2010-01-26T20:51:00.001-05:00

Has Fruit Loops died?

How To Draw a Smiley Face

2010-01-24T15:07:00.001-05:00

And we PAUSE, because pausing ensures our high quality.

Run rabbit run!

2010-01-22T19:01:00.002-05:00

Bonus points to whoever knows what movie the post title is from.

I was out and about downtown, on my way out of this fine new establishment when I heard a swish swish swish noise from behind me and down the street. I turned to see a young woman running full-trot in her winter clothes, with purpose, down the sidewalk in front of the Massillon Museum, and then right across the street not even looking both ways. I kind of noticed rather quickly (from the way she was looking behind her) it wasn't a "damn I'm going to be late" or "I need to get to this store before it closes" run but rather a "oh shit, there's someone right behind me and I need to get away" run.

I figured maybe the woman had been bugged by a panhandler or a homeless person and just got scared, or the boogeyman was all in her head. I thought she was running towards me at first. It was kinda crazy.

First E-mail from Andrew

2010-01-21T20:34:00.002-05:00

That's my stepbrother, for those that don't know. He's in the Air Force and it's good to hear from him. Seems that he and his new family (happy for the guy) are doing good, but he's busy with his job and had to be brief. Not unsimilar to my available time at the plant.

Good to hear from him and I hope he stays safe. Tonight may be my last night before I'm off but I'm not sure. Currently entertaining myself with movie mashups on Twitter, a really nicely-made book on Dario Argento, and, oh yeah! - fixing up my slashed finger with the first-aid kit! It felt and bled worse than it actually was, though. WHY do the little paper cuts and nicks hurt worse than gashes? Maybe something to do with the nerve endings at the tips of the fingers.

I'm not sure but...

2010-01-20T20:08:00.003-05:00

...someone on Wellman Avenue may have pissed in this guy's Wheaties. From this latest development in Massillon and the Independent. Further proof we need to set an example by just taking weirdos like this and maybe enacting creative punishments, like putting them through a woodchipper feet first. Or maybe something out of Dr. Phibes. Bet we could find a punishment involving fire that would be real appropriate for this whack-job.

Considering the heinousness of the crime AND the whole deal with Mammone over in Canton, I'm all for vigilante justice right now.

Really need that camera on me at all times now.

2010-01-19T20:12:00.004-05:00

First of all I'm hoping for this Saturday and Sunday off. With any luck my schedule will not change. Secondly there's now a Twitter feed, for those like me that are sometimes more often than not time/patience/sleep-deprived. Plus I wanted something quick and easy to post with if I'm ever out and about on my DSi. I don't hit up the major trends like this but I felt that it had to be done.

Just look over there. ----->

Finally, will someone PLEASE remind me often to keep my camera with me at all times? This is for several reasons - the other morning some random young woman not employed at the factory just happened to walk in and ask for directions. And she was a gorgeous bombshell of a woman, I might add. And someone else I saw today while I was out had their hair designed to look exactly like the visage of a skunk, with the white stripe and everything. In extreme cases like these the wonderful photographs NEED to be documented and posted here.

Especially the first instance. I know I sound like a dirty dog (and Freud would have had a field day with me) but you people would have shit had you seen her.

The Amish Bucket Man

2010-01-17T08:56:00.002-05:00

I really need to start taking my camera everywhere so it's kind of hard to retell this tale. But picture (pun intended) this scene as I'm driving to work last night -

It's around ten, cold, and everything with the doors and windows not closed is laced with a thick fog. BAD fog. Visibility is around fifteen to twenty feet at best. I pass a dead deer someone has creamed on the side of the road and not long after that I see a person walking right in the middle of the road, carrying a five-gallon industrial bucket. I groan when I see who it is; it's a local yokel in the Navarre/Brewster area we call the Amish Bucket Man. He was, I believe, shunned from the Amish community for his excessive alcohol use.

He carries all of his gear in his bucket and is notorious for just walking in the middle of the road. And there he was last night - bucket in one hand, his disheveled self stumbling and somehow cheating death. I layed on the horn and flashed my highs to get him back to reality and at least on the side of the road. Upon this stimuli Amish Bucket Man put his bucket on the curb and sat on it. Maybe he thought someone would stop to give him a ride?

So anyhow, flash-forward eight hours later, after my shift is over. I drive off from the plant and Amish Bucket Man is EXACTLY where he was when he sat down. All that time?

Massillon's own Crazy Bike Lady is better though.

On a lighter note...

2010-01-15T20:19:00.002-05:00

I never knew a brilliant video clip like this existed EVER.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ALapHYNSmoA
Screw Wikipedia - everything I've ever wanted to know I can learn from Rotten's Library...

If ONLY Crispin Glover had connected that kick, though. Conan's just way funnier.

Would we be any better prepared?

2010-01-15T08:34:00.002-05:00

Hate to stick on a topic like this but walked in this morning from work to do my online banking. I just so happened to turn on the TV and my 32 inch LCD fired up to the sound of a girl's anguished screaming from within a pile of rubble. Apparently the girl's leg was caught and twisted too much inside the concrete for her to be extricated safely. Her rescuers began discussing the grim possibility of amputating her leg to free her before more aftershocks came and just being done with it, a reporter from CNN right there to document the whole thing.

Silence. Then another round of bone-chilling screams from the girl, louder this time.

In the same segment another survivor entombed in rubble was being fed water through a garden hose dangled down to him. Then a link to these pictures, which I came upon at one of the forums I frequent.

My co-workers make fun of me sometimes - no, I take that back; often - for keeping an emergency kit in my car and a go-to bag with extra water and supplies at home. They laugh that I would actually read a small library of books on how to start a fire without matches or how to collect water from a solar still or maybe distill water from a source that may not otherwise be palatable. I endure the occasional teasing and the nicknames thrown out to me like "MacGyver" or "Jeremiah Johnson".

This. Is. Why. I. Do. It. Period. And my co-workers can see what's happening on TV as well. Needless to say they're not taking jabs at me NOW.

I'm trying to put myself in the position of the average Haitian as of today and I just cannot do it. The loss and devastation they've experienced is unimaginable; unfathomable. Can't sleep right now after what I've just seen and heard. I'm running to the bank and then running some other errands. I then hope to get some sleep, albeit troubled. My brain is practically moaning. I wish there was a mind bleach that would erase that girl's screaming from my memory. They now say she's 11 years old and has been trapped in there for over two days.

Gotta get out of here away from the TV right now.

Dear Pat Robertson...

2010-01-14T09:45:00.002-05:00

Just watched this video of your remarks on the horrible disaster that's taken place in Haiti.

Once, a long time ago, I saw a bumper sticker on a car. It read, "Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an ASSHOLE."

Me included. Have a nice day.

2010-01-12T09:50:00.002-05:00

The lack of posting as of late means I've been busy at work. I've also been busy getting some things that I need, namely, a new winter coat. The long one I have had for years, a present from Rita (about the only nice thing she ever got me, aside from all the reject junk Dillard's never wanted), was slowly falling apart. So I found a suitable replacement on sale. Nylon and polyester, and also reversible. Ohio State colors, too!

I also needed my favorite type of pen I use when balancing my checkbooks. They're the four-color pens from Bic, which I've loved to use since high school. I put black for the final balance, red for withdrawals, blue for deposits, and green for gained interest.

Kind of rambling here because I'm tired and I just got off my shift later than expected today. Just letting everyone know I'm still around.

Shoveled the drive today. Twice.

2010-01-04T16:22:00.002-05:00

Well, the first time I used the snowblower. I had never used it before, and after going through the directions step by step, and after some cursing was involved, I got the thing started up and I plowed the drive. The second time was later on after I got home this afternoon, and I just used the shovel there. Thankfully the snow that time was manageable. Only took about ten minutes.

While I was out I got some great finds at the dying FYE here: the Hammer version of Hound of the Baskervilles and The Masque of the Red Death with Vincent Price. The latter movie was featured in this book which I've been poring over along with an awesome 160-page tome (with full color, behind the scenes photos) of David Cronenberg's Videodrome. Got home just in time before it really started to snow.

I also got a Bluetooth headset. Going to get that out of the box and play with that right now. Cheers.

Happy New Year!

2009-12-31T20:02:00.002-05:00

Saying this on the 31st because I have to work tonight. Sucks, but the double-time holiday pay is great. I've got no new year's resolutions. I also don't believe in a new year "clean slate" like some altruists do. I still have to hold a job, brush my teeth and shave every morning (thanks to my new electric razor - thanks Mom!), and witness all the world's problems on the news regardless of what year it is. Just another page flip on the calendar for me.

I had no major plans anyhow, would I have not been working.

Now that I think of it, I do have a New Year's resolution. I need to do something about getting more work uniforms. I'm sick of having to take them home and wash them.

"Whaaaaaat?"

2009-12-28T10:25:00.002-05:00

Got online after cooking over 25,000 pounds worth of corn this morning and played some MW2 online. I'm still just a beginner at best but it's nice to hear other players go, "whaaaat?", or "I call bullshit!" when I get lucky enough to end one of their long killstreaks. I'm going to try to play as much as possible to unlock the extra weapons and attachments, the ones players are expected to start out with just plain suck.

It was a major pain...

2009-12-26T16:42:00.003-05:00

But I've finally got internet at home today. No more wi-fi bumming off of neighbors with jerry-rigged antennas or going out somewhere with public access if I want to get on.

Also Christmas went well. Got an electric razor and am happy as a lark with a clean-shaven face. On Christmas Eve I went to an uncle's house where every year he puts out a mind-boggling spread (at least 6-7 tables worth of food), got all kinds of goodies, and took a bunch of free stuff home. Thanks Stevie and Tammy!

Got to go into work later but so what? Doing an update on my PS3 right now.

Why do people find it necessary...

2009-12-17T19:53:00.002-05:00

1.) ... to cut everyone else in line when buying gift cards? Gift cards are right at the counter but if they need to be processed and paid for like any other item at the store then someone buying them should wait in line like every other person at the store. I've been cut in line six times this week. It's getting old.

2.) ... to keep needles and straight pins in their mouths while sewing? There's a super nice lady at my plant that accidentally inhaled a straight pin while working on a sewing project at home. She's almost 100% better after a scary visit to the hospital and I have a little sympathy here...but haven't people heard of pincushions?

Holy crap I haven't seen this in A DECADE.

2009-12-13T15:10:00.001-05:00

My head just almost exploded all over again. This video is boss. Thank God for Youtube.

How to get your ass kicked in school, just in time for the holidays

2009-12-13T13:17:00.002-05:00

Saw this the other morning flipping through the channels after work. You can clearly tell the upload is not mine right away, judging by the Kenny-style banners imbedded.

Anyhow, this kid is ten and wrote a book about how to talk to Santa and get presents from the guy. The "naughty" and "nice" lists are especially dorky; to get presents from Saint Nick you have to have the demeanor and manners of Beaver Cleaver or one of the cast members on Mother Knows Best. Seriously? If I was ten and back in L.E. York Elementary School again I would have gotten my ass kicked by the other kids for still being excited over Santa.

I figured out the dude wasn't real in the school bus on the way home. The question I always had was, "if we don't have a fireplace in the house, how does Santa get in with the presents?"

And when an older fifth or sixth grader told another kid, "Santa isn't real, dumbass! The presents were bought by your parents," and made the smaller kids cry on the school bus I was kind of relieved. The concept of a complete stranger entering our home in the dead of night, eating our food, and leaving wrapped boxes was kind of starting to creep me out. And I think the Unabomber was just starting to get big on the news, so that kind of didn't help either.

Anyhow, I'm in the middle of a GREAT - albeit fledgling - discussion on sci-fi flicks as I make this post. We're talking about what our favorites are and mine has gotta be Event Horizon. Clearly my former partner in crime Paul Jankura (what's he doing now, I wonder?) would say "2001" without hesitation. That's a great one too, along with anything else Kubrick did.

My local FYE is going out of business.

2009-12-09T15:58:00.000-05:00

It's the first time their prices have been reasonable in, well ... ever.

Either the sky just got really gray or my eyes are growing dim. I'm heading home regardless.

First Blood - The Director's Cut

2009-12-08T20:04:00.001-05:00

Courtesy of an even greater TG Fansub maker than I am, ManDoo.
http://www.youtube.com/ManDoo83